WTF is wrong with modern dudes?

The day that I moved to Berkeley, this guy sends me a message on OKCupid about how awesome i seem- I let him know my interest in him, and that I will also be taking a trip to Los Angeles for a week- Which gives us about a week or so to hang out.

we message furiously for a few days and then meet. We had a fucking wonderful date. WONDERFUL. I initiate a kiss on my way out. He texts me 3 times about being blown away by me- I reciprocate because holy shit this guy is amazing.

We keep talking on the phone and through texts. We hang out again- I come over to his place and spend the night. He keeps holding me really tight and telling me he can’t believe I’m real. I feel the same. I tell him how I am flawed. He just holds me. He’s told me about his thuggish past, which I highly appreciate. We fall asleep…

He textxs me the next day saying that he got a promotion with his company, and that he has to move to sacramento (1.5 hours away) I say I’m feeling shitty about that, but congrats. He says thanks.

Two days go by and I have dinner plans that fall through, so I call him last minute and ask if he wants to hang out. I apologize if I seem needy, which I am ordinarily not at all, but I just want us to make the most of our time before I leave. We go out for dinner and have MIND BLOWING conversation. He keeps telling me that he’s never met anybody like me who he could talk to about all of his cray experiences- and not only talk to them, but also know that they understand him. He says a lot of crazy-wonderful metaphysical/spiritual stuff and I love love love the way he talks.

we go back to his house and he goes directly for the balcony. I cosy up to him, wraps my arms around his waist and say, “I don’t want to be out here. I want to be in your bed naked. That work for you?”- I grab his hand and lead him to it. I stay the night again. Sexy times are phenomenal. He shies away from me at certain points because he’s HIV+… I kept telling him that I’m not worried about it. I’m an adult with 25+ years under my belt of education and experience. I keep trying to assure him that I’m not bothered in the least.

We just kissed and then giggled and then went at it..JesusfuckingChrist is this man incredible. He does all the silly, gorgeous, sexy, horny, kinky things that I like and he does it all so well. 

I leave for L.A. - I have a long drive. I text him that I’m on the road and can he send me some funny texts? I don’t hear from him all day. I text him when I land- all of the crazy things that happened on my way down there, with a picture of me, basically saying that I’m naked in my hotel room about to tap to his pictures and I wish he was there. I get nothing back. So I wait a day and text him that i hope he’s having a good day. Nothing.

He finally texts me back saying that he’s busy packing because his new job starts weeks before he thought and he is moving imminently, as opposed to November. He sends nothing else for days.

I was gone for just under a week and we exchanged only a few messages. His replies to me were one sentence or less, so I just let him be. As I got home, I let him know I was back and that if he wanted to hang out, I’d like that- also if he wanted my help moving any of his stuff to sacramento, I’d be glad to. He just basically said- I appreciate that, but I’m good. Busy.-

I apologized for bothering hi and he said -no problem-


How do you go from “You’re amazing” “I’ve never met anyone like you” “You make me so happy” to

I’m too busy.????????

What the hell is wrong with this dude? Why would he do that to me? He totally elevated my heart and spirits and then just fucking broke my ass in half. 

My assumption is that he’s doing that fucking stupid things that dudes do- they shut down in order to avoid getting hurt, but in the process, fuck over the person that they’re running away from because the shit feels to good to be true. 

I’m fucking terribly flawed but I would NEVER jut drop somebody like that. I would never tell somebody how much I wanted them and then blow them off like that. If I were moving, I’d start a dialogue about what our shared experience is like- would we like it to continue- what shared feelings are there, etc- I haven’t heard anything from him about how he feels. I am dizzy and sick with confusion.

I am most definitely NOT going to do this again. The world has not made me a nicer person and shit like this just fucking does my head in. I don’t understand what is so wrong with me. I don’t understand why being fearlessly in love is so frightening. I mean, not to the point where you’d run away because someone thinks you’re fucking wonderful. 


"I don’t hate people. I just feel better when they aren’t around."

Charles Bukowski (via feellng)

(via betwixtthevoids)